when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
