Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
