I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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