the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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