im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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