After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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