dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
