After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
