I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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