so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
