He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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