first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
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She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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