the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
