Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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