Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
