question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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