i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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