I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
