I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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