watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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