I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
