WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
