Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
