I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
