Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
