Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
