I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
