Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
