I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
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I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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