just tell him i said nine months
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
