my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
