woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
