I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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