1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
