just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
