Even the bartender felt bad for me
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
