it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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