omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
