Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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