i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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