That's intense
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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