Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream