Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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