We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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