ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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