We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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