I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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