Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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