We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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