Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
