can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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