yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize