First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
