u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
