shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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