ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
