i wish there were pregnant emoticons
operation harelip BJ is a go
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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