I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
